Hogwarts: A Musical
by Kaelinacoop
Summary: When two authors' power becomes horribly corrupt, Harry and co are forced into a twisted, terrifying world in which everyone is... SINGING! Oooh boy... As always, reviews, flames and popcorn welcome! Includes the smash hit, "What a Wonderful Sock!"
1. Prologue, aka, All Hell Breaks Loose

Disclaimer: We only own Harry Potter in this story, and even then only because we are appalling examples of author's power being horribly abused. So please don't sue!

We would like to take this opportunity to dedicate the neon yellow sparkly jellyfish to Molly.

Prologue: Aka, All Hell Breaks Loose 

          Harry Potter stared around at his companions. Row after row of people were shackled to their chairs, although he couldn't see those more than a few away from him, as the room was immersed in a deep and eerie gloom. Harry gave an involuntary shudder. "Ron? Hermione?" he asked in a hoarse whisper.

          "Harry, what is this place?" Ron replied somewhere to his right. "Something is seriously wrong."

          Hermione also sounded rather strained, as she muttered, "This is all a dream… The last thing I remember is going to sleep… this has to be some twisted dream…"

          "If it is, I'm having it too," came Neville's voice from behind her. 

          Harry would have began biting his nails nervously, had his hands not been belted down to the wrought-iron chair that reminded him horribly of something from a corny muggle horror film.

          Suddenly, a grating, bone-chilling laugh erupted from the ceiling, bellowing and echoing throughout the enormous dungeon-like cavern. 

          "**MOOWAHAHAHAHA! MOOWAHAHAHA! MOOOWAHAHAHA!**"

          The adrenaline rush provided by this burst of fear in his very soul gave him the energy to wrench free of his bonds and whip out his wand. He had felt this dampness of the spirit before, and knew what to do. "_Expecto patronum!" _he cried.

          A large, glittering neon yellow jellyfish erupted from the end of his wand, to flop and writhe about on the floor. He stared at it, in shock, just as he heard the once sinister voice erupt into what had to be a fit of…

          _Giggles_.

          "Ha! Did you see that, I'm good at evil laughs, huh? I've always wanted to do that, and he thought I was a dementor!" Once again, the voice that suddenly had the sound of a rather sugar-high teenage American girl broke into hysterical laughter.

          Another voice, also teenage girl, but this one British, broke in sarcastically, "Liz, maybe that has something to do with the fact that you were acting _demented_."

          "Oh, gee, thanks, I'm truly touched, Morag."

          "Any time."

          Slowly, still staring about in some advanced state of shock at the insanity radiating from the voices from nowhere, he edged his way towards Ron's chair."

          Suddenly, the first voice's attention snapped back to Harry. "Nope, sorry, as exciting as it is meeting you all, I can't be allowing you to just charge around freeing people randomly." With a noise like a large tree branch snapping, Harry was back in his chair, his wand having vanished. "Thanks. Sorry about that, Harry."

          "How… How do you know who I am? Where are you?" Harry called out     
          "Ah, zat is ze question, iz it not, my dear 'Arry?" replied the same voice, now in a terrible French accent. "You zee, 'Arry, I em all knowing. I am ze epitome of all evil. I am an genius on a rampage, zre iz no stopping me… **MOOWAHAHAHA!**"

          "Liz, cut it out, you're obsessed."

          "Fine. Spoil my fun. I'm only practicing my acting skills." Liz was definitely pouting now.

          "Well, how about you at least quit acting _up_?" Morag sprang back at her. 

          Harry had the distinct impression that has he been able to see these two God-like manifestations, Liz would be sticking her tongue out. She then continued. "And basically, as to where we are, we're imprisoned in a horrible, mind-numbingly boring realm commonly known as reality. However, as fanfic authors, on the rare occasion when we are blessed with the creativity to extend our reach into your world, we are all powerful. And I mean _all_ powerful."

          "She's right," Morag agreed. "And we have big plans for you guys."

          "Hey, Morag, check this out! I can speak Spanish here! "Mi llama tiene hippos! Dos servecas, por favour! Me gusta zanahorias! Tu tienes correo!"

          "Liz, do you have any idea what you just said?"

          "Umm… My religious principals prevent me from answering that question."

          Morag heaved a long-suffering sigh that gave Harry the impression she had been putting up with Liz for a very long time. Despite the fact that this Morag girl was one of his captors, he couldn't help but feel this was very brave. 

          "Hey, French too! Mon sage est dans l'arbe."

          As Harry realised he was not dealing with anyone even on the verge of sanity, he mentally eliminated reasoning with his captors.

          "German! Meine Lieblingsinstrument ist die rose Saxaphone!"

          His fellow students remained in stunned silence.

          "Turkish! Probleme yok!"

          "Liz… don't make me hurt you…"

          "Sweedish! Polis polis potatis gris!"

          "Liz… Please…"

          "Italian! Qual e sua compagnia d'assicurazione?"

          "Liz… this your final warning…"

          "Dutch! Ik ben luchtziek, mad ik een papieren zak? OW! That hurt!"

          "I warned you."

          Harry heard Hermione take a deep breath, no doubt summoning her courage, then called out tentatively, "What exactly are your… big plans for us?"

          "Well, Morag says I'm not old enough to be allowed to get married yet, which stinks, but after a few glasses of caffeine I had another idea."

          Morag took over. "Basically, we are going to stage a musical. Except without the dialogue. Unless we feel like it, this is more or less spontaneous. However, all of Hogwarts and the wizzarding world will be our cast, and you'll all be singing. Get it?"

          "What if we refuse?" Harry was surprised to realise that Neville had been the one to take this brave stand against their captors.

          "Then I sic Liz on you. She watched too much Monty Python as a young girl, and as a result she's always wanted to try turning someone into a newt."

          Too late for Harry to warn him against this rash course of action, Neville retorted, "Yeah right, don't be ridiculous! Muggles can't-"

          _CRACK_. 

          A beam of light from the sky illuminated the bright orange and green spotted newt that was wriggling around on Neville's chair. Hermione let out a squeal of horror. Liz cracked up once more. "C'est impossible, aye? That was fun! Can I try-"

          "No, Liz."

          "Aww…"

          Harry swallowed hard as the great lengths of torture this mad girl would go if he did not comply fully occurred to him. Harry Potter, the boy who lived, who brought about the downfall of the most powerful evil wizard of all time, was sunk. Trapped. Doomed. Slowly, he resigned himself to his fate. "All right," he called up. "What do we have to sing?"

          "Now that's more like it! Hit it, everyone!"


	2. 1: Our Way

**Disclaimer: ** We do not own Harry Potter, or the song "My Way" which we think belongs to Frank Sinatra.

**Dedication: ** To Frank Sinatra, because he's cool. 

            Fred and George stood before the crowd of students and teachers alike. Umbridge opened her mouth to say the official words of expulsion (Ministry decree number 293), when Fred turned to George and said, "You know, old boy, I think there's only one way to express our feelings at this moment."

            "I'm in complete agreement, old bean."

            Subsequently, the twins burst into song to a rather familiar tune…

"And now the end is near

And so we face our true expulsion

My friend, we'll say it clear

We'll state our case, our prime compulsion

We've lived a life that's full

We've travelled every secret passge way

And more, much more than this

We pranked it our way

Regrets we've had a few

Like every time we got detention

We did what we had to do

And saw it through without exemption

We planned each chartered trick

Each careful step along the swamp-way

And more, much more than this

We pranked it our way

Yes, there were times

We're sure you knew

When we bit off more than we could chew

But through it all when there was doubt

Filch ate us up and spat us out

We faced it all

And we stood tall

And pranked it our way

We've loved, We've laughed, not cried

We've had our fill, our share of dung bombs

And now, as smoke subsides

We leave them with their qualms

To think we did all that

And may we say, not in a shy way

'Oh no, oh no, not us 

We pranked it our way'

Peeves carry, all our good jobs

Arrange the odd angry mobs

To fight against that witch

Or perhaps we should say [CENSORED]

Our record shows we caused an itch

And pranked it our way

Yes, it was our way"

The crowd spontaneously burst into wild applause. Umbridge shreaked over the din, "This singing is an illegal student organization that must be disbanded immediately! Call the-"

            That ominous voice from the sky addressed its fellow. "Please, please, _please_, Morag?"

            "Oh all right then," the other agreed grudgingly.

            _Crack_.

            Even more cheering, yelling, and clapping broke down into total chaos as a hot pink newt took the place of Dolores Umbridge.


	3. 2: What A Wonderful Sock

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Harry Potter characters etc. or the song "It's A Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong.****

**Dedication:** To the dude who plays Crabbe in the Harry Potter films, because he gave Liz an autograph today.__

Slowly the camera (aparantly this one's a film) zooms in to a small house elf wearing a tea cozy, kilt, singing Christmas tie, a Hawaiin shirt, and two odd coloured socks standing on the top of a cliff looking dramatic, the wind whipping around, the waves crashing, and seagulls in the background. He held aloft a very old, ugly, knobbly sock as though it was his most treasured possession. He then opened his mouth, and began to sing…

"Oh it may smell bad

In fact it reeks

Its lumpy style

May not be chic

Yet I think to myself

What a wonderful sock

I was once a slave

The Malfoy's were mean

Dark blighted days

Cook, sew, and clean

Now I think to myself

What a wonderful sock

Oh wondrous Harry Potter

Was the who set me free

He hid this sock within a book

Then sent it off to me

So in his honour

This song I pen

So long as I promise

Not to save his life again

It was Vernon's once

Not it is mine

It's yellow and knobbly

But I think that's fine

For I think to myself

What a wonderful sock

Oh wondrous Harry Potter

Was the who set me free

He hid this sock within a book

Then sent it off to me

So in his honour

This song I pen

So long as I promise

Not to save his life again

I love this sock

More than you'll ever know

From the top of my tea cosy

To the bottom of the toes

And I think to myself

What a wonderful sock

Yes I think to myself

What a wonderful sock!"


	4. 3: You're So Vain

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Harry Potter, or the song "You'reVain" by Carly Simon.

Molly Weasley was sitting on a stool in the spotlight of a small stage, a microphone in her hand. She was facing the person next to her; Gilderoy Lockheart was looking rather bewildered as he sat perched on an identical stool. Molly then opened her mouth and began to sing…

_You walked into the party_

"Party? What party? I like parties!"

_Like you were walking onto a yacht_

"Umm… What's a yacht? Is it a monster? Because if so, I can deal with one of those…"

_Your hat strategically dipped below one eye_

"Well, yes, I always thought that look was rather chic…"

_Your scarf it was apricot_

"Come now, that does not suit my complexion at all, apricot is _so last season!"_

_You had one eye in the mirror_

"Yes, well, I can hardly to afford to have my hair in disarray…"

_As you watched yourself gavotte_

"Yes, well, I was always rather good at that…"

_And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner _

"Well you can hardly blame them!"

_They'd be your partner and_

_You're so vain_

"Excuse me!"

_You probably think this song is about you_

"Wait a moment; technically it _is_ about me…"

_You're so vain_

"Yes, we've established that, although I must say I disagree…"

_I bet you think this song is about you_

"It is!"

_Well you had me several years ago_

"How would you like an autograph?"

_When I was still quite naïve_

"If you'd like I can give you lots of them so you can give them to all of your friends…"

_Well you said that we made such a pretty pair_

"Well, stop singing, I didn't learn joined up writing for nothing!"

_And that you would never leave_

"I only hope I have enough photographs"

_But you gave away the things you loved_

*whips out fancy peacock quill* "Well, let's get cracking then, shall we?"

_And one of them was me_

*starts scribbling*

_I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee_

"You know, I'm actually quite good at deciphering dreams…"

_Clouds in my coffee and_

"I once used them to pinpoint the exact location of a vampire terrorizing a small Transylvanian town."

_You're so vain_

"Oh no, not this again, I thought that we were past this…"

_You probably think this song is about you_

"For the last time, it _is_ about me! Or at least, the first part was; now I'm not so sure, you seem to be describing quite an unlikable character…"

_You're so vain_

"You know, ma'am, this really is uncalled for."

_I bet you think this song is about you_

"If you continue, I'll be forced to suspend you from my next book signing…"

_Don't you, don't you, don't you_

_I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee_

"Perhaps they represent the grudge you are apparently harboring against me…"

_Clouds in my coffee and..._

"As I said before, if you really won't let me help, you ought to see someone about that."

_You're so vain_

"Ma'am, you really are being repetitive."

_You probably think this song is about you_

"It is becoming clearer by the moment that despite the fact that you are singing to me, this song is _not_ about me."

_You're so vain_

"There you go again with the personal attacks…"

_I bet you think this song is about you_

"That's it, no autographs for you madam!"

_Don't you, don't you, don't you_

            Molly Weasley was interrupted by the nurse rushing on to the stage. "Now Gilderoy, I know you're having a lovely time visiting with your special friend, but visiting hours are over. I'm sure she can come back tomorrow!"


	5. 4: I Love Quidditch

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Harry Potter or the song "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story

**Dedication:** The puppies! (Bruiser, Jake, Lily, Tallulah, and Cosmo, but especially Lily!)__

            As some cheerful fairy-ballet music set the mood, Oliver Wood tippie-toed across the stage in a bright pink tu-tu, opened his mouth, and began to sing with a dance routine to match.

I love Quidditch 

Oh, dear Quidditch 

I will fly and I'll play it all day

And I pity 

All the Slytherins we're going to slay

I feel ruthless, 

Oh, so ruthless 

I'll make them toothless by how ruthless I feel! 

I love Quidditch

And I hardly can believe it's real. 

See the pretty quaf-fle soaring towards me 

Can you see me catch it with ease?

Such a good maneuver, 

Such a lovely swoop, 

Such a charming smile, 

Such a pretty me! 

Guess that practice,

Finally paid off,

Even though it was pouring down rain

I love Quidditch

To the point where I'm simply insane!

            With this last line, Oliver gave a graceful flying leap that sent him soaring like a swan off if the stage. All of the audience winced as they heard the painful crash that sound as though he had collided into something very large and very solid. Possibly Hagrid.


	6. 5: Hopelessly Devoted to SPEW

Disclaimer: We do not own Hermione, Ron, Winky, house elves, Hagrid, Oliver, or S.P.E.W., or Grease (In case you couldn't tell, the song is Hopelessly Devoted to You from said EEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIIILLLLL musical). We do however own the stage and claim ownership for any newts found wandering on set. Upon submitting yourself to this work of fanfiction (which is in fact one of the weapons of mass destruction formerly held by Saddam Husain), you are formally no longer entitled to compensation for loss of sanity. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. 

Dedication: To all of our reviewers so far, but especially Sharky, who was so thoughtful as to wish us "MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HANGOVERS!" 

You are:

**Horsewoman** (Good luck with your Gaelic, dear), **Dobby, Tonks, and Angelina** (Quite a mouthful, but since Liz is partially responsible for it we can hardly complain), **Plaidly**** Lush (Yes, well, we did think the tutu was a nice touch. It reflects similar experiences as young girls at a British school with ballet requirements that have emotionally scarred us for life), **Iggytheicyiguana****** (Love the name, brilliant!), ****Britt Davis (Jess dear, I know spelling isn't your strong point, but I beg of you not to spell newt nute again, please!! Liz will be forced to take action… *evil grin* Her powers do work overseas, you know…), ****Sharky (What can we say, the reviews are always entertaining, thanks, and Happy Hangovers to you too!), ****MoonGoddess25 (Actually, we were thinking of Carly Simon, not the film, but whatever works, thanks!), ****kevin**** luver (Thanks, always love the reviews!),** xlovingfanficsx** (Thanks for saving us the trouble of watching the film!), ****hogwartsdevotee**** (Thanks, and great name), **littlefish****** (Thanks bro, always so complimentary…), **Steph** (Glad to see you apretiate our madness!), and ****Lord Brocktee (We will continue, don't worry!)**

Hopelessly Devoted To S.P.E.W.

            Hermione stomped on to the stage, narrowly missing the hole created by Hagrid and Oliver. 

            "Morag, should we maybe fix that hole?"

            "No, I think it's a nice artistic feature."

            "Fair enough. Plus it's sort of newt-shaped…"

            Hermione then sat down on a stool in a spotlight in the center of the stage, adjusted her spew- that is, S.P.E.W. badge, and crossed her arms. She then began to sing.

Guess mine is not the first cause ignored,   
my badges aren't the first unknown, 

I'm not the first to see,   
it's hard to get a decent treasurer

   
Hello, I'm just a girl with purpose

Who wants to help the poor opressed   
Oh Winky can't you see, 

I really know what's best for you

I'm hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.  
  


But now there's nowhere to hide,   
since you cast my aid aside

I'm lost even in class,  
hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.  
Hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.,   
hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.

  
Ron's always saying "fool, forget it",   
My morals are saying "don't let go"   
Hold on to they're free, that's what I intend to do   
I'm hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.

  
But now there's nowhere to run,   
since the meetings have begun 

And Ron can't you see

I'm hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.  
Hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.,  
hopelessly devoted to S.P.E.W.

          It was that moment that Ron chose to appear on stage in a puff of green smoke. He promptly pointed at Hermione, laughing and announcing, "Spew! Honestly Hermione, you're going to put the house elves off the cooking!"

          Hermione shot him a look of pure venom, before placing her hand dramatically upon her forehead, then crying out in Shakespearian desperation, "Ron, will you ever learn? It's S.P.E.W!" She then swooned and fainted, collapsing in an artistically arranged heap on the floor.

          Ron stared awkwardly and the pile of bushy brown hair that was Hermione Granger. "Right… Err… Well then… I'll just nip off and make a pot of tea, shall I? Err… Yeah, well…" He looked around rather desperately, then charged away as quickly as he could. Unfortunately, Hermione would never get that pot of tea, as Ron forgot about the stage's new artistic feature and fell through the gaping black hole. Fortunately, his fall was broken by Oliver and Hagrid.


	7. 6: I Will Survive!

Disclaimer: We don't own ANYTHING. That includes our souls. Actually, of all the things we've lost, we miss our minds the most…

Dedication: To the little French lady whose house we Trick or Treated at and proclaimed, "I buy so many sweet but no one come!" By the way, sorry that we forgot to say it last night, but HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE! Okay, so we're in Britain, but we make do. Morag went a witch attempting to dress as a muggle (it was her first Halloween and the costume was a bit last minute), and Liz went as Hermione Granger. And unlike Emma Watson, she didn't need a stupid crimper to make her hair as bushy as Hermioninny's. 

I Will Survive

            Suddenly, the lights went out and a cold chill swept over the stage. This eerie blew Hermione's body into the stage's "artistic feature", where several pained groans emitted from its dark recesses as she landed with a thump. An eerie blue light set the mood, when suddenly, several platforms rose up from the now coloured glitter smoke to reveal Lord Voldemort himself in traditional disco ware, accompanied by several Death Eaters with afros as backup singers. Taking a dramatic pose and switching on his microphone, Tom Riddle began to sing…

"First I was afraid,

I was petrified,

See it freaked me out that Dumbledore

Was on the other side

But I spent so many nights,

Plotting to destroy you all,

I had a ball,

I went to the shopping mall!

But now I'm back

From death's embrace

I just charged in to kill him here

With that dumb beard upon his face

He should have stayed at his dear school

For now you'll suffer certain doom

If you'd known I was out to get you 

You'd have stayed safe in your room

Go on now, run

Go run away  
Just turn around now 'cause you know I'm gonna get you anyway  
Harry was the one who tried to keep me from the stone  
Did you think I wouldn't just rise again some other day  
  


Oh, no, not I

I will survive  
Oh, as long as I've got death eaters I know I'll stay alive  
I will impose my will, I've got mudbloods I must kill  
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey  
  
It took all my magic and a while to return  
Kept tryin' hard to kill Harry I knew that he must burn

And I spent, oh, so many nights just hanging out with my cute snake  
I was rather dull, but I had to mull

  
Over my plan, to kill them quick  
And I'm not bothered by good guys thinking that I'm sick

And so you all should quake in terror for soon you won't be free  
But now I'm savin' all my power for someone who's scared of me

Your time is out, don't scream and shout  
Come quietly or you'll see just what pain is all about

It's time Albus must meet his sorry little end  
And then I'll move on to Harry, and all of his little friends

  
Oh, yes it's I -I will survive  
Oh, as long as I have Wormtail I know I'll stay alive  
I'm no longer just a boy, and I've got worlds I must destroy  
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey!"

            Ignoring his death eaters as they got carried away in a chorus of melodic Hey Hey Heying, Voldemort let out a bone-chilling cackle. "I will destroy you all! I am all powerful! I will rule-"

            _CRACK_

            "You know, I think he's cuter as a newt…"


	8. 7: I'm A Ferret

Disclaimer: The song "I Feel Good!" belongs to James Brown. Draco Malfoy belongs to Sam Collins. Oops, we meant to say J. K. Rowling. 

A/N: You all need to give Liz a big virtual hug as she got my fringe in a really weird way (miscommunication issues) and now it either sticks straight up. On top of the bushy hair, it's not nice. That, and she's giving up exam study time to co-write this just because she loves you all VERY VERY MUCH. She will now shut up so Morag will stop telling her she is pathetic. 

I'm a Ferret!

            As the lights come up again (Hermione had been kicked into the stage's decorative feature), the backs of three boys in leather jackets bearing the image of a ferret embroidered on the back of them are visible. Two, on either side of the middle one, are huge, wide, and… well… trollish. The one in the middle is short, skinny, and has white-blonde hair. All are wearing Wrap-around sunglasses and Blues Brothers style hats. As they turn around in a super-cool way, the two on either side are revealed to be Crabbe with a smooth black guitar and Goyle with a killer gold saxophone, they strike up the loud and dramatic opening chords of James Brown's "I Feel Good!" Taking a pose and gripping his mike, Draco Malfoy began to sing.

"Whoa-oa-oa! _  
_I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
So furry!

Doo-doo   
Don't worry!  
I'm a ferret!

   
I'm in trouble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
Moody's made my pride rubble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
I'm in trouble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
Moody's made my pride rubble!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

Once cool!

Doo-doo   
It's cruel!  
I'm in trouble!

  
Everybody laughed at me

For I was slamming off walls   
Everybody laughed at me  
Oh why did they have to see? 

  
I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
I'm a ferret!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
Bouncier than a carrot!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo  
So furry!

Doo-doo   
Don't worry!

Doo-doo   
I'm a ferret!

Yeah!!"

            Caught up in the dramatics of the ending saxophone playing, Malfoy ended with a dramatic knee slide… directly into the stage's artistic feature. Crabbe and Goyle blinked stupidly for a moment, the lumbered off the stage, grunting to each other unintelligibly.


	9. 8: Gryffindors

**Dedication: **To all the little people we had to step on during out steady ascent to greatness, and to Liz' middle school drama teacher, who taught her how to truly be Ms. Hannigan.****

**Disclaimer: **We do not own the line we stole from Friends, the hit musical Annie, any Harry potter characters or concepts, or the faded green leather chair, which we stole from a disheveled potato salesman in Idaho.

The stage lights came up on a large, Sherlock-Holmes style armchair with faded green leather. A table beside bore an old-fashioned radio, which was vamping a vaguely tune, possibly from an old musical. The shelf behind bore various vials of unidentifiable murk, rumored to be fermented Gryffindor brains. As the vamping grew louder, a greasy-haired, black-robed gentleman staggered in clasping what appeared to be a half-empty vodka bottle. As he collapsed into the chair and glared out at the audience, everyone's favorite potion's master opened his mouth and began to sing in a surprisingly high tenor, to the tune of "Little Girls" from Annie. 

"Gryffindors, Gryffindors   
Everyday they sit in my classroom  
Gryffindors, Gryffindors  
Every night I wish them a swift doom  
  


I'm a simple potion's master  
with hatred  
I like a draught of living death now and then  
But I'll confess, I've no success

So I'm dealing with those bloody kids again!   
  
Quidditch games  
The house cup   
How is it they always come in first?  
If I get   
My hands on Potter  
He will end up in the lake headfirst!   
  
Slytherins are a joy to work with,  
Ravenclaws are fine although bores,   
But one thing I can't stand   
A single moment longer is,  
Gryffindors! 

  
How I loathe  
Longbottom,       
Thomas, Weasley,  
know-it-all Granger  
Someday soon   
I'll give up   
And become a   
stock-exchanger!

  
Some day  
I'll poison their pet toads   
Some night  
I'll show them the door (Cackles manically),   
Voldemort,  
Manticores,

Somehow remove them evermore,   
Gryffindors! 

  
When I'm finally hearing them screaming,  
I'll surely request an encore,   
Till then I dream 

Even scheme  
To plot elimination of,   
Gryffindors."

Exhausted from this outburst of shocking musical talent, Snape flopped ungracefully back into the chair, we he promptly began to snore. 

A frighteningly familiar voice boomed out across the stage.

"Oh goodie, drunk Snape is so much more fun than regular Snape!" Morag exclaimed.

"How would you know?" 

"Well, I do write other fanfiction, you know…" From her voice, one got the distinct impression that she was both smirking and had an evil glint in her eye.

"Okay, that's just _creepy_."


	10. 9: Oops I Did It Again

Disclaimer: We do not own either Harry Potter (Darn it!) and associated characters or Britney Spears' songs (Thank goodness).   
  
Chapter Seven: Oops, I Did It Again

The voices in the sky were arguing. Again.

"Morag, I want to do something with Rolling Stones. Seriously, there is no band alive cooler than the Rolling Stones. How about "Sympathy for the Devil"! That's an _awesome_ song!"

"Liz, no. For one thing, Mick Jagger looks like an iguana, which totally ruins the whole newt theme we're working with. Besides, what kind of a name for a song is that?"

"But it's got the best guitar rift!"

"No, Liz."

"Fine then. But Neville does the next song."

Morag groaned. "All right then. So long as we avoid Mick Jagger for the entire duration of this production, I'll be happy."

Meanwhile, Neville was quaking in abject terror. Although he was roped down to his front row seat in the audience, he began struggling with renewed vigor brought on by an emergency adrenaline rush. He was shocked when, with a final wrench, the ropes snapped. He leaped up and over his chair, spurred on by the encouraging cheers of his chained classmates, and began to race up the isle toward the large wooden doors. Morag's furious voice thundered overhead, "Oh no you don't!" Neville then found himself hoisted up to the air by a pair of enormous tweezers. Morag continued to lecture him in a voice disturbingly reminiscent of Professor McGonagall, "When we decide to do something, even if it's one of Liz's half-baked, crazed ideas, we damn well carry it through to the bitter end! So you're going to sing, and you're going to do it with a _smile_!" Neville was firmly deposited onto the stage, only to find that his feet seemed to be glued into place.

Liz sighed contentedly. "Ah, the wonders of magic. Neville, that was a very bad thing to do, and now we're going to have to make you pay."

Neville's face turned white. "W-w-what…" He stuttered like Professor Quirrel. "What will you do to me?"

Liz paused for a moment, and then let out a monstrous cackle. "Neville Longbottom, have you ever heard of Britney Spears?"

And before he knew it, Neville opened his mouth and began to sing.

_"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah,_

_Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah_."

Neville's eyes rolled around frantically, searching desperately for an escape route, even as he continued.

_"I think I did it again,_

_I made Snape hate me, I'm going insane._

_Oh baby._

_I'm going to fail his class,_

_'Cause since things explode, there's no way I'll pass._

_And I need a new cauldron,_

_And it's just so typically me._

_Oh baby, baby._

_Oops!... I did it again._

_Forgot the password, got locked out of my room,_

_Oh baby, baby_

_Oops!... You think I'm a twit._

_And you'll never admit,_

_I'm not all that stupid._

_You see my problem is this_

_Though I'm Gryffindor_

_I try but it seems, I still always remiss_

_Herbology__, I adore_

_But that isn't enough as there's nine classes more._

_And to lose all my house points_

_That is just so typically me,_

_Baby, oh_

_Oops!... I did it again._

_Forgot the password, got locked out of my room,_

_Oh baby, baby_

_Oops!... You think I'm a twit._

_And you'll never admit,_

_I'm not all that stupid._

_Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah,  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah._

Neville paused for a moment. He had a bad feeling the song wasn't over yet, as the music was still playing, and he hadn't had the movement return to his feet yet, but still there was a long and awkward pause. Finally Liz hissed from wherever it was the two maniacs were hiding out, "Say something, dolt!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, anything! In the regular song, they talk, but it's really stupid, and we've cut it. So you'll just have to think of anything."

"Right… Well then…" Neville surveyed the crowd. The entire population of Hogwarts blinked up at him, waiting for some pearls of wisdom. Neville felt the blood rise to his face. "Err, I'm Neville Longbottom, and… Umm… I have a toad. His name is Trevor, only he always gets lost, and…"

When he began to sing again, Neville almost found it a relief.

_"Oops I, did it again and messed up!  
Made a new mistake, oh baby  
Oops you'll, never admit it again,  
I'm not all that stupid."_

Neville couldn't help but feel slightly proud as the entire audience erupted into enthusiastic whistling, yelling, and applause. A group of girls near the front who were screaming hysterically lofted a sign proclaiming, "MARRY ME NEVILLE!" As Neville grinned anxiously, he waved at the crowd and took a step backwards, only to trip and fall backwards into the stage's artistic feature. However, he was in fact shocked to discover that he didn't fall very far. As a matter of fact, as he felt himself sitting on someone's torso, his head stuck out of the hole. He decided it was best not to think about who he had landed on. As he clambered out of the new-shaped crevice, Liz and Morag were deep in discussion.

"I think that it's time that we fix that hole."


	11. 10: One Nefarious Creation

**Disclaimer: **We do not own the song "One" from the musical _A Chorus Line_. Nor do we own any of the Death Eaters, the concept of the Death Eaters, or even the words Death Eaters. Go figure.

Chapter Seven: One

Slowly, Lucius Malfoy shuffled forward to the looming stone throne that sat in the center of the grave yard where the Riddles had been buried. "Sir?" He began tentatively. When his master turned to face him, Lucius continued, somewhat heartened, "Sir, we know that you've been feeling a little down as of late… So we thought… Well… We've prepared a little presentation for you… Shall we go ahead then?" Lucius took the Dark Lord's silence as an affirmative, and turned back to the surrounding Death Eaters. "Hit it, boys!" He exclaimed, then rushed out of view off of the stage that now sat in a space where a large stone memorial had once stood. Immediately, out of nowhere, a spotlight appeared in one corner. In the back, The Dark Mark appeared, glittering in all of its gold-sequined splendor. As a vamp instantly recognizable as "One", from the musical "A Chorus Line" began to play, Lucius strutted onto the stage, legs extended despite the fact that his sparkly gold trousers could blind the average human, with the brim of his matching top hat pulled over his face. As he counted down the introduction under his breath, Lucius Malfoy began to sing, softly at first.

"_One nefarious creation, __  
Every little hex he throws.  
One sinister vocation,  
Every spell that he knows."___

Crabbe and Goyle, looking more than a little uncomfortable in their gold tailcoats and holding their top hats at arms length as though they might explode at any moment, joined Lucius on the stage, although their steps were less graceful and more as though they were marching in the army. Still, when they reached center stage with smiles dutifully plastered onto their faces, they joined Lucius with loud, out of key groaning notes.

__  
_"One plot you know that the good guys are sure to rue; __  
You know you'll never get kindness from You Know Who.  
One laugh that's high and scary  
And you just break down and cry.  
You know that the man won't die  
Today  
Hey._"

Soon the entire remaining group of Death Eaters leaped onto the stage, all bedecked in the gold glitter, and joined in as the chorus, kicking out their legs in a Rockette style line, arms around one another, and the sheer force and enthusiasm of the singing was staggering.

_"Oooh!__ Sigh! You had better beware! __  
Do…I…really have to declare?  
He's the One?  
He storms into a house  
And you know_-"  
  
Here, as the only female Death Eater remaining alive, Bellatrix Lestrange took her solo role in a golden leotard and tights that looked as though they were probably made of gold-painted titanium.  
  
_"He is,  
Wicked and vile, highly malign  
He'll send a shiver straight up your spine."_  
  
Everyone joined in for the continuation, their smiles growing and becoming genuine as they began to enjoy their complex choreography, many flinging their hats upwards and then catching them, extending their arms as they twirled, and adding various extra charming actions.  
_  
"He storms into a house  
And you know from that  
Sinister strut, relentless combat,  
He is where it's at._  
_  
Kill-ing,  
Can't, help,  
The hatred his presence is instill-ling. ___

_Crazy and demonic is our_

_Scorchingly__ torturing, toyingly destroying_

_He storms into a room_

_And you know you must_

_Obey his word, follow his reign_

_He's a guy who can cause infinite pain._

_This is watcha you call_

_Ev-il__.___

_Oh, do your kicks!_

_Can't pull your tricks_

_On him.___

_Fawn__ him._

_I'm a son of a gun, _

_He is one of kind…"_

Immediately, there was a mad shuffle as the panicked Death Eaters erupted into trying to get to their places for the simultaneous sections. People tripped over one another, hit one another, and cursed one another. By the time the two groups arrived at their opposite ends of the stage, blood littered the floor, many sported bruises that clashed horribly with their costumes, and a few had various body parts frozen or tentacles sprouting out of their foreheads. On one side, the boys began to repeat the previous sections, while Bellatrix Lestrange and those of the Death Eaters who with much reluctance (and not until they had undergone a great deal of torture) admitted that they can in fact sing as tenors, or in the case of Macnair, a soprano. It perhaps explained some of his vehemence as an exterminator for the ministry; he must have been teased a great deal as a child. Immediately, the two sections began, complete with a great deal of confusion. Many immediately lost their section, and either began singing the wrong words, the wrong tune, stopped all together and twirled around a little, or even just hummed absently under their breath to God alone knows what. The males, or those who sang as males, belted out, "_One nefarious creation, __  
Every little hex he throws.  
One sinister vocation,  
Every spell that he knows._

_One plot you know that the good guys are sure to rue; _

_You know you'll never get kindness from You Know Who. __  
One laugh that's high and scary  
And you just break down and cry.  
You know that the man won't die  
Today  
Hey._

_Oooh__! Sigh! You had better beware! __  
Do…I…really have to declare?  
He's the One?"_

While the girls, others, and Macnair competed with a repeat of, _"He storms into a house __  
And you know from that  
Sinister strut, relentless combat,  
He is where it's at._  
_Kill-ing, __  
Can't, help,  
The hatred his presence is instill-ling. _

_Crazy and demonic is our_

_Scorchingly__ torturing, toyingly destroying_

_He storms into a room_

_And you know you must_

_Obey his word, follow his reign_

_He's a guy who can cause infinite pain._

_This is watcha you call_

_Ev-il__.___

_Oh, do your kicks!_

_Can't pull your tricks_

_On him.___

_Fawn__ him._

_I'm a son of a gun, _

_He is one of kind…"_

To the great relief of those who had been lost, since they had had terror drilled into them at the prospect of what was certain to happen to them should they make a mistake (No one had said anything specifically, but it was rumoured to involve manticores), for the grand final, they all joined back together, complete with a sloppy but vehement dance routine to rival anything they had done so far.

"_One nefarious creation, __  
Every little hex he throws.  
One sinister vocation,  
Every spell that he knows.___

_One plot you know that the good guys are sure to rue; _

_You know you'll never get kindness from You Know Who. __  
One laugh that's high and scary  
And you just break down and cry.  
You know that the man won't die  
Today  
Hey._

_Oooh__! Sigh! You had better beware! __  
Do…I…really have to declare?  
He's the…_

_He's the…_

_He's the…_

_One!"___

With this final note, Crabbe and Goyle hurled Lucius Malfoy up into the air with rather more force than they had originally intended, perhaps partially as they were bitter because the whole scheme had been the blonde's idea (Many questioned just how stubbornly he insisted that the costumes be exactly as they had in the actual stage production). Soon Lucius was nothing but a bright gold speck in the distance. It wasn't until all of the Death Eaters stepped forward and simultaneously swept their hats out in an elaborate bow that he came crashing back down to Earth with a large thump. As he groaned and got to his feet, he turned anxiously to meet Voldemort's eyes, seeing whether or not he approved of their rather courageous stunt.

Lucius needn't have worried. From Voldemort's throne, the hot pink and orange striped newt simply blinked at them.


End file.
